envy green as a rose is red

Throughout my young adult years I have felt the Lord quietly nudging me about my envious heart.

I think in a world of comparison it has become second nature to think to ourselves how much more beautiful someone or something is than ourselves or our things. It doesn't feel wrong per se to feel this way. I mean everyone else is always saying how "much prettier she is" or "wow I wish I had that" or "you hold yourself so well, if only I could do the same", we have learned to find our perceived shortcomings when we stack them up against the greener grass... it just doesn't feel good.

The thing is... it is wrong, and that is why it doesn't feel good.

Envy is like a spider's web and it is so much stronger than we give it credit for. It starts to wrap around our heart and is much more difficult to scrape off than it's petite and pesky appearance would lead us to believe.

I sat down recently and asked the Lord to speak to me on envy. I am so sick of living in a mind where I want to compare each and every detail of my life to someone else's. It's mind-bogglingly insecure and also... so tiring.

Now, when you ask the Lord to speak to you about something He has been doing in your heart, He does not hold back. Literally the first verse I read after asking the Lord for guidance on this topic mentioned envy. And it threw envy in with a lot of other words that seem so much "worse".

This makes me think, I already know envy is wrong, but just how nonchalant have I been about it, thinking it'll eventually go away without any intervention?

Just how nonchalant has our culture been about envy?

"Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind." 1 Peter 2:1

Honestly, I would be the first to think every other word in that sentence is far worse than envy. I mean, envy is so harmless! It is just a feeling in my heart of wishing I was more like someone else. I mean at its core it's really just admiration... how is that as bad as slander, lying, hypocrisy, or malice?

Maybe I just don't understand the definition of envy.

Envy: Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage. - Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Envy is not just coveting, though that is very close. It is to covet and also to dislike the one who possesses whatever it is that you desire simply because they have "it" and you don't.

Now, maybe it is easy to say, "oh, well I don't envy then, I just admire" or "I just covet which isn't as bad".

But if you have ever caught yourself thinking, "Wow people only like them because they have/are [insert thing you envy here], if I had that as well, people would like me more", that is envy. Or "She doesn't deserve him, I'm better for him". Or "I can't believe they have so much money, I would use it better if it was me"...all of that is envy.

Thoughts like that have honestly passed through my head many times in a day. Maybe not quite so consciously, usually they are undercurrents that you don't fully comprehend. Often times you don't even catch where they are coming from or what the root of them is. But admittedly, they have been there, as shameful as they are.

Now maybe you've made it this far and are in the clear. Maybe you have never envied in your life, congratulations, have a gold star. But I don't believe you.

Envy is one of the easiest sins to get away with. One of the easiest to miss.

And very dangerous for our health spiritually and emotionally--sometimes even physically if it drives you to extremes. James says that "where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice" (James 3:16).

EVERY evil practice? How?

Envy is competitive, we envy that others have "more" of something than we ourselves have, and wish it was ours.

This could lead to slander, deceit, greed, even murder.

What can I do to get that from them?

At its root I would consider envy a certain kind of pride. Of course, most, maybe all sins might find their roots in pride. But I feel envy is an easier one to see the connection with. We think we deserve the thing someone else has more than the person who has it deserves it.

Why do we think we deserve it more?

Because we are better, smarter, kinder, prettier, etc.

And that, baby, is pride.

If you need a clearer picture on how envy can drive a person to "worse" things, here is something I wrote at 17:

this is how i’m living:

in a choking cycle of wishing, wanting, searching, and not finding.

i let myself live like this.

i tell myself, “if i go without, just one more day, i will look more like her. and surely, if i smile more often, i’ll shine like her too.”

i tell myself these pretty lies…

so enticing, i think to myself, so plausible.

and then i turn to the mirror, and i continue,

“if you would just open up your legs like her maybe they will like you like her.” and “if you were beautiful like her then you would be happy like her.”

and i pretend like these are truths, nay, i convince myself these are truths.

speaking into the mirror, this could be you.

and more, like her.

and i let myself live in this inescapable, mirror-inlaid grave.

the one that i built myself, with the masters of envy and self-hatred making me bleed.

their whips, unceasing, the scars on my soul, weeping.

and to this day i ask myself, “why?”

-envy greener than a rose is red

I'm thankful the Lord can transform us by the renewing of our minds, and I cannot pray this verse (Romans 12:2) enough in a day.

The tragedy of envy is evident. Root it out of your life with the authority God has given you in Jesus' name. Do not be a slave to envy. Do not let your thoughts become corrupt with its musings. Entertain it no longer!

And yes, rewiring our thoughts is easier said than done, and it is a daily choice. But every little step gets you further and further from the old self until you are remade. One day you will look back, like I look back on this poem and think something like, "Wow, I'm so glad I don't want to sacrifice my purity in order for someone to like me more than they like someone else". Lol.

In all seriousness, that is very sad. Don't let envy control you like that. Be set free in Jesus' name!

Heed the danger of envy.